Partnership for Children Supporters
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Especially for Families of Preschoolers
Effective Parenting Styles
Why Yesterday’s Models Won’t Work Today
Have you considered whether your parenting style was better suited to yesterday than to preparing your child for the twenty-first century?
Are you an authoritarian parent? This parent values obedience. Commanding the child what to do and what not to do, rules are clear and unbending. The parent pours the “right” information into the child who is considered an empty vessel. Misbehavior is strictly punished.
This style mismatches a rapidly changing society which values choices and innovation. Rebellion often results from strict punishment. Spanking, which models violence as a solution to problems, is contradictory in a society which claims to value peaceful solutions. And children raised to follow the “expert” easily copy anyone, including undesirable peers.
Are you a permissive parent? Popular in the 1950’s and 60’s, this style was a reaction to the horrors of whole nations following the dictators in World War II.
Instead of following, children are encouraged to think for themselves, avoid inhibitions, and not value conformity. Parents take a “hands- off” approach, allowing children to learn from the consequences of their actions. Misbehavior is usually ignored.
Although those raised in this style are creative and original, they often have trouble living in a highly-populated community as well as fitting into the work-force. Ignoring misbehavior gives no information about expected behavior. With no intervention, the bully wins, while the passive child loses, a perfect set-up to be a victim in later life. Aggressive patterns become ingrained when children are not guided to find acceptable ways to get desires met.
Unlike the child-oriented 50’s and 60’s where one consistent adult was available to patiently guide self discovery to the consequences of actions, today’s society is fast-paced with a multitude of adults playing into the child’s life each week. Without clear limits, children get confused, feel insecure and can make poor choices.
Are you an assertive-democratic parent? These parents establish basic guidelines for children. Clarifying issues, they give reasons for limits. Learning to take responsibility is a high priority. Children are given lots of practice in making choices and guided to see the consequences of those choices. Misbehavior is handled with an appropriate consequence by problem solving with the child to find an acceptable way to get desires met. Out of control children have “cool off” time, not punishment. Children are part of deciding how to make amends when someone or something is hurt. Assertive-democratic parenting is the best for today’s fast- “right” way. Children raised by this style learn to accept responsibility, make wiser choices. Cope with change, and are better equipped to succeed in a work-force which relies on cooperative problem-solving.
Sue Diwiddie;, MA Human Development